A gray rainy day lets the mind wander

The thinking goes on day after day. All the old questions from years ago bother my mind when the weather is low. How to find my niche in a foreign place.

The questions never stop. Am I too old to get a kick out of my life anymore? Have I forgotten how to laugh? If I were twenty again the questions would not be as dire and I would be more energetic in finding something of value to do.

Guilty as sin for not appreciating the golden opportunity most never have and using the resource properly. The more I am alone the easier it is to be alone and not reach out.

God knows I know how to entertain myself, I have more hobbies than I can keep up with. While living in Moscow I had the good fortune to have all my fun and interesting things with me. When we moved to Brussels last year. Not only did I end up in the perfect place all the cool stuff is here, no excuses. How good can that be?. I am even excited to start work again on a huge room sized rug.

Well let me back up.. while in the of process historically restoring our two hundred year old home in Maine I was and am, very interested in textiles. The rug I am making is a replica, with adjustments of course, of an old bed rugg. The picture I found is from the Atheneum in Connecticut. All the materials are here, there is nothing stopping me from getting on with this project. Filling up time is sort of a big problem but not entirely ,it is more of an attitude problem.

There are groups now who have studied the negative impact on expat wives,much is written about the psychological aspects and it is not good for the most part. Unlike my counterparts in general I am older, most women have given up careers to follow husbands but I do not fit into any categories , mostly I feel like a floating detached satellite.

Oh yes I know there are many groups and organizations to help people like me. I always thought it was odd to go to a foreign country and join groups of your own kind so I have made a special attempt to not be part of those gatherings and I am not really a clubby person.

I know the day will be mostly going over all the options and thoughts as I have done a thousand times before but airing dirty laundry is somehow cathartic.